I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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