i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm just crazy horny about you
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
