i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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