you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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