alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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