she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
