I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
