Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
