We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
