i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm too high and old for this...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
