Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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