my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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