she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
