she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You pole danced in your parka.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
