yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
