i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
