my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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