this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize