I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
