I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
