I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
