Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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