i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
