I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
