dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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