i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
