Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
