Sry I called you an 8
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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