Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You can't special order awesome
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
