So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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