Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
