and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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