I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
