Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
