Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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