It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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