One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
