420 ftw
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize