I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
