have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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