...so i touched it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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