Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
