If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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