Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
