Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
