Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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