For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
