talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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