i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
