TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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