the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
