you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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