Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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