Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
