I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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