I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
