Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
