I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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